Erratic's Christmas Romance Book Round-up
There's nothing like the festive merriment of holiday cheer around Christmas. Unfortunately, I made the grave error of reading a ton of "Christmas" "romance" ARCs this year and have ruined everything about Christmas. In these Christmas books rounded up below we have lots of death, mean people, more death, mediocrity, bad pet ownership, porn stars, dramatic musicians, thinking Zaxby's is good Southern food, littering, tragic backstories, and a lot of movie making. Next year I think I will stick to the tried and true Hallmark movies for the Christmas vibes I want.
If you too would like to have a weird Christmas, check out the books below. I've ordered them based on the rating I gave them on Goodreads from highest to lowest. Clicking on the title of the book will take you directly to my Goodreads review. I am also going to include a content warning for Christmas deaths for each book because seriously, it was ridiculous how much death there was, and everyone needs to be warned.
None.
Publication: September 20, 2022
Christmas Deaths: Some. A side character's wife died before the events of the book but it is mentioned several times, particularly in relation to that side character's seclusion, because we truly cannot escape death at Christmas.
Summary: Easily the best of the Christmas ARCs I read. A porn star and a former boy band member star in a fake-Hallmark movie and fall in love on set. There was a lot to enjoy but it's still a Christmas book in 2022 so there were a few wtf moments. Overall, a fun and festive Christmas book with a dash of porn. Tis the season or whatever.
Publication: November 10, 2022
Christmas Deaths: A little. There is some past mentions of a side character's sibling dying of AIDS and a mention of the events of The Christmas Deal (Festive Fakes #1) where the child character's mom dies (off page).
Summary: Another solid, comforting, tropey Keira Andrews book. Fake boyfriends but in Australia! And in the first half they're in a glamping cabin in the snowy woods! Like a nice little travel romance book. Cute, but not super Christmassy.
Publication: October 14, 2022
Christmas Deaths: A LOT. The main character literally dies when hit by a train and is brought back to life by the spirit of her grandmother. In a fun, zany way. Nothing more Christmassy than making death zany!
Summary: Even with all the death and the annoying ex-boyfriend the main character tries real hard to win back this is one of the better Christmas books I read. It's fun and Christmassy if you ignore all that other stuff. Lots of Christmas markets and drinking hot chocolate too! I wish it didn't come with a side of death (and subsequent coming back to life), but, what can you do. These are the times we live in.
Publication: August 30, 2022
Christmas Deaths: Medium amount. The main character's grandmother is super old and everyone talks about how it will be her last Christmas and there is a lot of pre-grieving and the grandmother even has a tragic fall and has to be hospitalized! She is actively dying, but doesn't die during the book I guess.
Summary: This probably benefitted from being the first Christmas ARC I read this year because looking back, it was not good. There is a lot of Hallmark Christmas movie beats up to and including a ridiculous Christmas deadline/competition/interview. Yeah ok look literally all of business takes December off. These deadlines do not exist.
Publication: October 25, 2022
Christmas Deaths: NONE! It's a Christmas miracle!
Summary: A perfectly mediocre 3 star Christmas book. Nothing super duper offensive, nothing super annoying, a lot of Christmas content. The worst part was definitely the nicknames the two main characters give each other (Old Macdonald for him and Baby Girl for her). The best part is no one died including off page or in the past. Everyone is ALIVE! And actual Christmas content! A rarity this season.
Publication: October 25, 2022
Christmas Deaths: Low. There is some vague mentions of a mother dying but it's the mother of the character the movie character was based on that the main character plays in the movie [math lady dot gif] so it's several layers deep to find the Christmas death inception.
Summary: I am convinced this was written by an AI who researched exactly two things: film-making and Christmas movie plot summaries. It's bizarre and dense but ultimately harmless. There is also a high amount of Christmas stuff within it including several treats! I'm a simple person and Christmas has been ruined so much that a mention of a festive hot chocolate makes me give a book an extra star.
Publication: November 1, 2022
Christmas Deaths: Minimal. There are some vague references to death, like the female main character asks her estranged mom if her dad is dying when her mom shows up unexpectedly. But while no one dies there is a whole heck of a lot of traumatic childhoods which is just as bad.
Summary: Perfectly mid. The cactus lady and the very into her for no reason dude are basically romance stereotypes by now. I don't know when the sunshine/grumpy trope switched to the grump being a cactus lady who is never once kind to the sunshine simp dude but it's everywhere. This is just another unmemorable basic mainstream romance book with nothing new to add to the genre.
Publication: October 11, 2022
Christmas Deaths: MAXIMUM DEATH. There is straight up on-page death (via phone call to the female main character), a several chapters long funeral and grieving process, and a whole lot of trauma all around. The blurb is incredibly misleading because it seems like the death is a before book events thing but nope you spend several chapters getting to know the dude who dies first! What the fuck!
Summary: 3 stars was kind of a cop-out because I have no idea what to rate this. It is bittersweet, traumatic, vaguely Christmassy, and more of a fiction book than a romance, but it was competently written I guess. Do not read unless you are fully prepared for the contents within. It is not a fluffy, fun romance. Also, the characters totally litter at the end. Way to honor the environmentalist dead guy, dingdongs.
Publication: October 4, 2022
Christmas Deaths: Low. Vague mentions of pet owners, grandparents, husbands, etc. dying but all in the past character background way.
Summary: 2.5 stars rounded up for being an ARC. I think my Goodreads review says it best "I don't even know with this one. On the plus side, there are cats in it. And some Christmas! On the unplus side, there is the most emotionally volatile female main character I have seen in a book in a while." Come for the cats, stay for the barista forcing stray cats onto people who don't want them. Merry Christmas!
Publication: October 4, 2022
Christmas Deaths: HIGH. The female main character's grandmother dies during the course of the book and it becomes a weird secret between the two main characters so the death is very prolonged??? C'mon it's Christmas why do you have to drag the death out on top of everything else!
Summary: One half singing competition, one half dramatique musicians being terrible to each other, one half dead grandma being kept a secret for reasons?, one whole mess of a Christmas book. Points to the author for making the big secret keeping a couple apart a dead grandma that sure was unexpected. But now Christmas is ruined forever and not even the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers Christmas album can save me.
Publication: November 24, 2022
Christmas Deaths: None! But that doesn't make up for the rest of this book.
Summary: My review wasn't posted on Goodreads because of the Harper Collins strike. To summarize, the female main character is a relentless jerk, the male main character is confusingly forgiving of this behavior, and the fake dating plot is completely wasted on them. But no one died so I gave it an extra star.
Publication: October 4, 2022
Christmas Deaths: Unknown. A lot, probably.
Summary: A ridiculous bankrupt influencer who accidentally manifests the Holiday Spirit (not Hallmark Christmas ghost type but the essence of holiday spirit) into a dude named Hall who is if Buddy the Elf had the powers of Galactus seems campy and fun but once the influencer lady made them land at her grandparents house in a hot air balloon while wearing glittery disco outfits I had more than I could take. DNF @ 30%.
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